Dr. Evil’s Guest Blog

Some readers have suggested that I can be a little too peace and love, a little unrealistic in all this “Isn’t life wonderful?  Aren’t kids beautiful?” talk.  And so while I like to think that I’ve somehow earned my optimism, even I feel like I might be starting to gag on it sometimes.

As T.S. Eliot suggests, “April is the cruelest month,” and so it seems a good time to invite my old Shadowy friend, and sometimes colleague, Dr. Evil to present today’s guest blog:

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Hi, I’m Dr. Evil and I don’t much care to thank soft-spoken Bruce for bothering me with this stupid task for his pathetically crunchy readers, but since he asked, I’ll tell you what I really think, which is more than you get from most people, even from most villains, really.

These are my key parenting tips:

When a child is resistant to an activity that you want them to do, for example because you need a little “me time,” you might say:

“Get in the fucking car, we’re going.”

(Be sure to say it with conviction, like you’re spitting tacks.)

When your kid brings up a subject that makes you uncomfortable, or which might reveal some sort of hypocrisy on your part (i.e. the way you spend your money, your time or the fact that you like to imbibe da’ ganja… hourly), go with:

“Don’t talk to me about that!  Get in your damn room!”

As for video games, if you’re tired of playing them yourself, and the noise and conflict over who else gets to play begins to wear on your nerves, go with non-verbal expression (remember, even if you remain silent, you cannot not communicate):

Violently YANK all cords out of the wall and other appliances, take the game outside while grabbing a hammer on the way (it’s important to do this outside, as you don’t want to create unnecessary mess that you’ll have to clean up; if you do “lose it” and create a mess inside, make the kids clean up—it’s character building).  Once outside, first go for any LED windows, function buttons or places where the game plugs in, then smash vigorously on all remaining surfaces.  Finally, throw it repeatedly on the ground, systematically aiming for all four corners—I call this circling the square and it’s quite Zen.

I could come up with more tips, but really, why spend all that time thinking about children?  Do they spend that much time thinking about us?  NO!  So screw the little need-monsters and their never-ending needs.

My advice:  Grab a little me-time right now, because I’m about to get medieval on this world’s ass… That is unless you immediately pay-pal me one BILLION QUADRILLION GAZILLION doll-hairs.

Excuse me now, but I have to go and engage the rockets so that I can destroy our world and all its collective children (Oh, puh-leeze… you could gag me with that one already).

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Well thank you Dr. Evil for those spirited words.  And on this April Fool’s Day…

The Darkness in Us recognizes the Darkness in You, Bruce & Doc Evil