A reader asked her six-year-old son why he was acting up and he said: “Because I hate myself, and I’m stupid” “So now what do we say?” she inquires.
The first thing to consider is whether there is a “right” thing to say in such a moment. Better might be sincere interest, and non-judgment, about this statement—lead by listening. If we are able to listen to such painful moments and, metaphorically, sit on our hands and wait, they may say more. One of the hardest things in parenting is seeing our children in pain and not being immediately able to make it better.
Secondly, we want to move away from a mind-set of “solving problems,” and toward a philosophy of truly relating. This means that we continually try to see to the subtle heart of things, to the sacred spirit (and not label, problem or issue) of our children. If we do this, it will teach us to be happy and our kids will grow like wildflowers in a mountain meadow. Martin Buber, a Jewish philosopher who was embraced by the Jesuits, called this sort of relating “the essential deed.” Like the Buddhists who try to relinquish fear and desire, Buber urged us to see the other as a “thou” and not an “it.” Even trying to make someone feel better is “it” relating (and parenting often demands this), but simply seeing with compassion, seeing the beauty in what just simply is, takes any and every moment and busts it open in a good way. Now of course this “essential deed” is MUCH easier said than done, and in the service of this idea I offer to meet you here and encounter your questions in this spirit, oddly acknowledging that this happens when I’m reading what YOU write, when “nothing” would appear to be happening. Over time these posts may grow shorter, and our Sangha may grow more mindful.
To facilitate this sort of thinking I recommend yoga, and I also highly recommend reading anything by Thich Nhat Hanh. And now back to the boy who hates himself.
A preliminary thing to say, might be “I’m sorry that you feel stupid, but I hope that you can be proud of yourself for using your words, which shows how even when you think you are bad and stupid, you are actually growing beautifully toward the time when you won’t need to hit or misbehave to communicate.” I draw the sentence out to make the point. Less words is better (but we can’t all be Hemmingway).
Just as parents “mirror” children and teach them about who that child is based on their parents’ interest and delight, or disinterest and depression, a child who hates himself and feels stupid begs the question, “Do the parents feel this way about themselves?” (And can they heal from realizing that having sat down with the child and having allowed them to say how they hurt, also shows growth on the part of the parent?).
Children model themselves upon us in their early years and if we are miserable, it sets a compelling example that may haunt and sadden us when we see it reflected back to us in our children. Perhaps the wish to love our kids might even get us over our long-held negative opinions of ourselves—and help us understand how it got started in the first place. Children need ideal parents, and if they happened to have unhappy parents they may be prone to conclude that, since their parents are ideal, the only reason that they are not happy, delighted, patient and calm is precisely because their child is disappointing, bad and stupid.
Busy parents often neglect to reinforce positive behavior, but stop the presses when a child becomes oppositional, or when they express hostility to the parents or toward themselves. The bigger picture here can be that we are inadvertently reinforcing negative behavior with our attention. Imagine a child counting nothing but the volume of our words, and doing whatever gets the most words out of our mouths. Now once a child is miserable, it’s not a great idea to ignore them, but moving forward it can be highly effective to “catch them being good” by commenting, hugging and noticing the behaviors you wish to reinforce. Some of my favorite comments for positive behaviors are, “I hope you’re feeling good about yourself” or “I hope you’re proud of yourself,” as it tells a child that their own opinion of themselves is more important than our opinion. This empowers them to trust themselves, and to develop an inner center of control.
Next to consider is the issue of self-esteem. As I have mentioned in previous posts, the self is like a colander until it forms into a bowl (largely by virtue of accurate attention and empathy); one cannot truly have good self-esteem if one does not have a solid self. We might reframe the above quoted child’s statement to mean, “I can’t seem to hold my feelings and when I feel too much, I hit or do ‘bad’ things. And I think I should be able to do better so I’m not good enough.”
Behavior can be ‘bad’ or unacceptable and still not be a mark of character. The child is asserting that he behaves badly because he’s “stupid.” This is an example of shame. In guilt we feel like our behavior was wrong, in shame we feel that we are wrong. This is why children, and adults, who carry shame, respond to criticism with rage. They believe that they are bad to the bone and that they are not in control of their behavior. With greater understanding of self, the bowl of self forms. With more solid selves, self-esteem develops.
In conclusion, as parents we want to think deeply and work practically. Cultivating empathy by accurate listening, and reflecting back (i.e. “it sounds like you feel you’re not very smart and you don’t like yourself right now”) is actually more helpful than negating messages of pain by saying, “you’re terrific, how could you think that?” We can ask them more about what makes them think they are stupid, keeping in mind that this may be a statement of what they feel when they are mad—in a transient moment—and not necessarily what they feel all the time. After we’ve really heard our child’s pain, we can later clarify that this is not how we see them, but not until they believe that we have seen and heard them where they are.
The negative statements that six-year-old made are clearly a cry for help. If we assert that we love them, and want to help them feel better about themselves, we can then clarify what our expectations are for behavior. And then, when a child is being oppositional or aggressive, we can reflect to them that they are feeling badly about themselves. You might be surprised how, consistently applied, this strategy can move mountains with kids as it builds self-awareness, which increases a child’s sense of self, which in turn creates feelings of autonomy and self-regulation. Such children get to understand themselves and then naturally behave better because they have learned to be compassionate with themselves through our example.
Let’s dedicate today to compassionate seeing and listening, to “I and Thou” relating—and to sharing notes about how it goes.
Namaste, Bruce
p.s. For more on helping deeply understand your child, as well as many additional and pragmatic strategies for helping them feel better, please consider my book, Privilege of Parenting. To order the book from Amazon, please CLICK HERE.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for your thoughts, so beautifully expressed. I will read your blog to my grandparents group today – they are each rearing grandchildren after their own sons, and more often daughters, were found to be unable to rear children. These reminders of the gentle power of acceptance will be especially helpful for grandparents who have the double sword of responsibility along with the doubt and concern that their best was not good enough before.
I’m glad you mentioned yoga. For me, an appointment with joy helps me get back to center. I play racquetball and wallyball with friends and finish with yoga to stretch after.
Julianne
Thanks so much for reading, commenting and adding your spirit to our collective endeavor! And we look forward to that good grandparent energy, as even if we fear that we mess up our own kids, we all have a lot of love to give, and will find many others ready to accept it. Namaste, Bruce
Thank you. I will pass this along ; – )
Stephanie
A positive reminder to use fewer words when trying to make a child feel better.
My tendency is to keep talking until I see a reaction that satisfies me (often
this can be a long time), and it satisfies me and not necessarily the child. I get it.
In gratitude. krk
Your point about parents neglecting to praise good behavior yet paying great attention to behavior that is less than desirable brings to mind the philosophy of one of the greatest leaders of our time. Vince Lombardi was known to spend hours praising the efforts and achievements of his players following a tough loss. Incidentally, his teams won a lot more games than they lost.
If we take the time to praise the good, especially when the going gets tough, our children will continue to surprise us.
Thanks for that Art, good approach on, and off, the field.
Thank you for your thoughtful article. This happened to me today (my 6 year old daughter wrote she hated herself in chalk on the driveway). I did not respond well initially, as I burst into sobs (not the right answer I know). I tried to calm down and ask her why she felt this way. Was she angry at something or someone? etc. I feel the desire to make her feel better- but I need to acknowledge her feelings too and help guide her to a better outlet for her negative feelings that she is directing toward herself. Why do girls tend to direct their frustration and anger inward?
As for helping contain your daughter’s painful feelings see “the colander and the bowl” (http://bit.ly/cLpprH) and also know that you are being a great parent by wrestling with these difficult emotions and by striving to be your best Self.
As for turning things inward, I recognize the gender aspect, but think much of this is socially constructed—in other words outward displays of anger are considered masculine, which may inhibit girls and women from expressing anger in a healthy way. Doing what we can to empower girls, helping validate anger and encourage drawing, talking, writing, pillow punching or whatever allows an acceptable and accepted (by you) self-expression (by your girl).
Finally, “shame” is when we think we are not good enough at our core, so we need to challenge such mistaken assumptions, normalize strong negative feelings (as situational and not character-based) and facilitate success experiences (i.e. supporting our children to participate in activities where they can gain some mastery and bolster self-concept).
So, hang in and feel free to let me know how it goes.
Thank you for taking the time to write this post, I have found it very reassuring and helpful. My son tonight said he hates himself – he is a very energetic, intense boy and I often find myself telling him not to do the things he’s doing, to control his behaviour in that moment & I have often been bad tempered with him myself. I replied to him tonight “Is that because you feel you’ve been told off a lot lately?” and he said a very sad, quiet “Yes”. The part you wrote on self-esteem and it’s relationship to shame, then, was very informative to me. The reason I’m replying to sulyn’s post is that, another time, my son has said to me that he tries to keep his anger pushed down inside – obviously, he feels his anger is unacceptable, so I agree with you that this sort of repression arises from social expectations rather than gender. My son is sleeping peacefully right now, tomorrow is another day – I will try to incorporate your ideas for positive comments.
And thank you, Joanne, for sharing this with me (and with other readers who may come across your words). There is a lot of talk about community these days, but it’s up to us to realize that we ARE that community and that we parents have the power to love our kids and to support each other to do this.
All Best Wishes
My son has been saying this lately, usually when he gets in trouble for something. I’ll give him a consequence and instead of doing it, he’ll have a meltdown and start screaming that he’s an idiot or he hates himself. I’m not sure if he’s trying to avoid the consequence and being manipulative or if he really is that upset that he’s in trouble. I have explained that we all make mistakes and we learn from the consequences, so there’s no need to beat himself up over it, but I do expect him to follow through with the consequence he has been given.
Hi Sarah, It’s hard to know if he’s trying to get his way by playing on your soft heart, or if he truly is struggling with some self-esteem wobbly feelings. Perhaps if you hold to the limits and consequences, while being compassionate (i.e. you reflect that he’s feeling badly about himself, but that you love him and think he’s wonderful; you’re only responding to his behavior.
Meanwhile a former post on consequences might also be interesting: http://bit.ly/ay7lc1 (and, of course, there is a lot on every aspect of this question, from self-esteem to oppositional behavior to power-struggles to logical consequences in my book).
All Good Wishes, Bruce
Thank you for your insight and guidance. I have a 6 year old son who, when anything adverse happens, explodes into a full melt down. Frequently I notice that he turns to negative comments about himself ie. “I hate myself”,”god made me a horrible person and I am always going to be like this.” I want to kill myself. Etc. such comments are so disturbing and I have left me feeling so bad for him. I have tried to persuade him that these things are not true, but I am starting to believe that my job is to listen without judgement and hopefully to provide him with guidance all without being totally freaked out myself. I am not sure how to accomplish this and mostly I am worried that his words will eventually become how he views himself all the time. This has been an incredible parenting/family struggle.
Hi Hollie,
Yes, when you “listen without judgment” you model for your son the image of a loving parent who can hear the terrible thoughts that we all sometimes have about ourselves.
In fact, we we all knew just how much pain and insecurity most people carry we would probably want to put our arms around many people who turn out to need compassion and understanding more than they need judgment, and even more than they need cheer-up affirmations.
To be loved is to be truly known. You clearly love your son and that love will go a long way to helping him develop a solid sense of self. In addition, it often serves for us parents to think about such things as how our lives were when we were six, and even how our parents and grandparents were faring at that age. Sometimes trauma and hurt can travel across generations, sometimes becoming more conscious of the roots of pain in a family can ripple out to help its most vulnerable members—its children.
Wishing you and your son All Good Wishes.
My 5-year old son has begun doing this about 4 weeks ago. He says “myself doesn’t like myself” and “I’m gonna die” and throws himself on the ground, hits and scratches himself, says he is stupid, nobody likes him, etc. My husband and I have always been so supportive of him and priase him (and our daughter!)… I admit, I have always had self-esteem problems, but I never thought that I radiated that outwards. It’s always been something I’ve tried to hide from my kids, I love them so much it hurts. To see him do this (sometimes when he’s corrected, other times at the slightest provocation), my hearts breaks. I sit down, tell him I know he is hurting, I ask questions and listen. It goes on and on…. sometimes he’ll slow down, sometimes not. I am heartbroken over this, I don’t know what to do. My mother-in-law lives down the street and says to take him to a therapist. His behavior makes her so ANGRY that she yells at him and corrects him frequently. I’m stumped, I don’t know where to go from here.
Hi Jenny, This is so heartbreaking as a parent, but I’m glad you’re reaching out for help. It can be possible that our own self-esteem struggles effect our children, but perhaps we heal ourselves and allow our kids to develop healthy self-esteem together. If your mother-in-law gets angry, perhaps it because she responds to heartbreak with anger? Sometimes the family carries pain and the children end up feeling the brunt of it and expressing it.
As a therapist my first vote is for the parent(s) to come see me before the children, trying to help parents with their issues and their parenting rather than seeing the child as having the problem. Still, if your child is highly sensitive or struggling with other differences in learning style, it could be useful to get a better picture of this. Perhaps running your question by your pediatrician and asking for appropriate referrals in your area would be a good next step.
Finally, my own book, Privilege of parenting, addresses all of these issues in greater depth (http://amzn.to/w76zcY)
Meanwhile, I send your child and your family All Good Wishes
Hi Jenny, I hope things are improving with your son and his self-esteem. I’m a distraught dad with a 6-yr old daughter who has told me a few times in the past few weeks that she hates herself and that she wants to die because she felt that she was a terrible and mean person. The first time I heard her utter this, I was in complete shock and basically spent the next hour talking with her about these feelings. (Now I know that less is more!) But I told her over and over that I loved her more than anything else in the world. That no matter if she wasn’t behaving well (and she’s almost always a very sweet girl) I still loved her. It seemed to help, but these comments still happen if she’s feeling particularly upset about something that happens either at school or with her younger sister. Now her 5-yr old sister doesn’t have any sort of self-esteem issues, and is in fact quite confident about pretty much everything she does. So what I wanted to ask you was if your daughter (you didn’t mention her age) had any self-esteem issues. Personally, I can’t remember ever feeling this self-destructive as a 6 year old. If I was mad and didn’t get what I wanted at that age, I would usually take it out on my toys and throw them around or just cry/scream. My 6-yr old still crys that she hates herself. I’m going to try pointing out when she does good things and see how it goes. Thanks Bruce!
Hi Thomas (and Jenny), Great insights Thomas, but mostly I just wanted to say how much it warms my heart to see parents supporting parents through difficult junctures. We say “it takes a village,” but when we act like we already are that village we’re right on track and right on time. All Good Wishes
This afternoon, my 8 year old son was wrestling with a decision. He claimed he was so bad at making decisions and he hated his brain. (Something he has said many times before.) Admittedly, I didn’t just listen to him but I tried to reinforce how he is good at making decisions and recalled good, recent decisions he made. He kept saying he was “terrible” at making decisions and I kept disagreeing. Then we were playing, lightly wrestling, joking around and this quickly turned into both my kids claiming injury. I got up and said I was done playing. My son then ran out of the room yelling that he “hated himself” he was going to go “bang his head downstairs.” And I grabbed him and yelled, “don’t say that! You are scaring me!” I was really fearful of him saying how angry he was at himself. Once I realized how out of control I was, I held him and apologized for my yelling and tried to explain to him that I was scared by what he said. I don’t know what to do when he is so hard on himself and I quickly lose it myself.
Hi Whitney, Great insight on how we parents love our kids so much that it can scare us when they speak or act in ways that are self-destructive… and then once we are triggered into fear we are in fight-flight mode (“done” with them/flight; or yelling at them/fight).
Empathizing that 8 year old brains are not fully developed, and thus not optimal at decision making, can also reinforce the bond you have with your child, as it is appropriate for you as the parent to make the major decisions (i.e. safety, nutrition, education) while allowing as much freedom to make decisions on age-appropriate matters, which teaches us to become good decision-makers through trial and error.
Finally, doing whatever we can to cultivate calm, so that we can be empathic, calming, containing and attuned care-givers for our kid(s), such as yoga, mindfulness (even just taking a walk or sitting an breathing quietly for a couple of minutes) can really add up to improved parenting and the healing of self-esteem issues in our children.
All Good Wishes
I happened across this after a desperately sad conversation with my 9 year old daughter this evening. she has been saying for some months that there is ”something wrong with her”. today it progressed to ”i hate myself”. as most would, i listened carefully and then talked about all the things that i thought were great about her. i asked if it was things she did she hated or something else. she responded ”no its all of me, i hate me”.
i am at a loss. where too from here. gentle gentle reflection is one thing but it’s being going on too long:(
Hi Susan,
A few other posts to consider in possibly opening perspective on your daughter’s struggle:
http://privilegeofparenting.com/2009/07/31/ten-year-olds-and-their-changing-brains/
http://privilegeofparenting.com/2009/11/23/orchid-children/
Maybe see if any of those are resonant and report back. An additional resource with some depth on both the topics of depression and self-esteem can be found in my book (which is free from Amazon as a digital borrow if you have a Kindle):
http://www.amazon.com/Privilege-of-Parenting-ebook/dp/B006VOMQKQ/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1343844538&sr=8-2-fkmr0
Beyond this, questions of trauma and loss in the family may also be worth considering:
http://privilegeofparenting.com/2010/12/15/attachment-in-the-lab-implications-on-the-couch-and-in-the-brain/
Finally, at least for the moment, it is good that you are reaching out to help your kid and recognizing that it may be something that needs more than just gentle reflecting. Do note that telling her she is wonderful is missing her point, she needs you to know (and feel, which you obviously do) how terrible it all feels for her at the moment. This is half the battle, very hard to contain, thus you share it here and we try, along with the spirit of our fellow parents, to hold the sadness and cry her tears a little bit along with her, or even for her (she’s only 9).
It wouldn’t hurt to check in with her pediatrician, see if she has any suggestions. Sometimes a parent seeking a bit of counseling on behalf of their kid (not just dropping the kid off with the shrink) can have very good results for the child. As for finding a good therapist, ask your friends if any of them has felt truly helped or understood by someone they’ve worked with and go from there.
Hoping you and your girl feel better soon :)
I too found your site after a particularly emotional day with my 9 year old. We all went for ice cream before dinner and we told her she couldn’t have coffee ice cream because tomorrow is a school day, and the melt-down began. My husband stormed out of the ice cream place because the two of them were starting to have a shouting match. I ended up giving her the choice to eat the ice cream or not and that it was melting and i’d throw it away in 20 seconds. Well I counted down and she still was refusing to talk so i threw it away. Some time later in the evening i asked her to sit with me and talk and cuddle. She didn’t want to talk so i asked her if she would rather write down her feelings. She wrote she was mad that i threw her ice cream out but the tears (inside) came when she wrote she thinks her dad hates her, (he doesn’t but hes been depressed the last few years, his younger brother died in a car accident at 31), and that she hates herself. I don’t want to fail her as a parent. I’m so afraid that everything that happens now is so formative and I want nothing more than for her to grow up well adjusted. I think I’ll download your book. You sound very on target as far as relating to them at the sort of soul to soul level. Glad I found your blog.
Hi Deanne,
I’m sorry for this difficult time, and I hope my book helps a little. I’m also sorry for your husband’s loss—such difficult things, but I hope you’ll all find a way to heal, to bank on the love you share and the community of other parents to discover that you are not alone, and that your motivation to be your best Self for the sake of you daughter might carry you through.
Meanwhile, All Best Wishes
I am grandma, and I love my grandchildren so so much- like most grandparents I know, I feel I/we are blessed with a perspective, developed over years, that allows us to treasure the wonder of their being. And when I heard that my grandson has said, “I hate myself!” I could only gasp.
My husband and I have been able to spend generous amounts of time with the family, enough to have a strong sense of what daily life is like in their home, how problems are solved, how misbehavior is handled, how managing frustration is taught, how being “different” is regarded.
So I know our grandson is treated with respect for the fact that he is a child, experiencing so much every day, integrating what he experiences into what he already knows, altering and updating, as it were, his previous conclusions.
I have spent my career life working with children and families, and yet had not heard of a child of only 6 years, saying “I hate myself.” Saying s/he hated a person of authority who was having to deny a wish, or stop a behavior, yes. Hating self, no.
Most of the comments above suggest children being angry in the midst of thwarted wishes. And I appreciate the general approach of focusing on helping the child to recognize his/her accomplishments, accept the limits imposed by caregivers to prevent children from causing harm to self, others, or property, and reminding them of occasions when they have managed a difficult situation well.
But hating oneself – just because – because of what? Our grandson can tell us his tummy hurts at the idea of going to school. He is very shy by nature, and has been fortunate in having parents who understand how facing an unknown person can feel overwhelming. And they have been diligent in finding a school with outstanding teachers, who also know they are teaching children, not little adults.
Still, when I took him to preschool, he covered his eyes as he walked into the school yard and then into his classroom. And each year, despite being fully competent in school activities, the social aspect overwhelms him with anxiety.
I have seen his first grade work. He prefers math and completes his work well. His spelling indicates a good sense of how sound is translated into letters, his mistakes being very logical.
He makes friends, and teachers have commented that he can be a leader in a small group, suggesting to others some ways to accomplish a goal.
And at the end of a day, he is telling him mom, “I hate myself!”
I’ll add here that he is good enough in sports: he likes to climb anything, play soccer, play basketball, ride his bike, run and jump. It did take plenty of his dad’s time and encouragement for him to develop those skills. I have been spectator to sport times and am so proud of how our son plays with him. Art work is a favorite activity for him.
My take is that, despite his skills, he can readily see that he IS different. Can he know that socializing is easy for others – that it doesn’t hurt their tummies? Or does he think their tummies hurt, too, and they can just go ahead anyway? What level of abstract thinking is probable?
After mulling over all that I’ve read from others, I’m thinking I’ll encourage our son and daughter-in-law to think about how to help grandson find words for what it is he doesn’t like about himself. Reassure him that they know he knows they love him, and his larger family loves him – maybe showing photos of times having fun with others he knows well – how does he feel on those kinds of occasions?
Now that I’m thinking – maybe some photos of times when he doesn’t feel so good – does he ever wish he could be ______? How does it feel, inside, about that?
Talk about how different people really are – what makes some grow up to be astronauts, and others writers of books and others …. Maybe that’s too big a stretch?
Enough, already – I’ve probably written too much. Thanks for providing a place.
Hi Catherine,
It’s lovely to see you thinking so deeply and compassionately (and comprehensively) about your grandchild and your family. That very spirit of striving for understanding, multiple perspectives and a willingness to try things until our children feel safe and good about themselves is the essence of the spirit we want for all our children and our interconnected community.
Sometimes simply validating and reflecting that a child really does feel badly about themselves helps allay the shame, isolation and confusion of such painful feeling states. When the parents and grandparents really hear the cry of pain, the cry for help, we are well on our way to helping the child push through the pain and discover that they are indeed part of our group with all our myriad insecurities and our strengths as well.
Warmest Regards
Hi everyone! Wonderful article! My 4 yr old son has been saying ( pretty much daily now for the past 4 months) that he hates himself and wants to die. It is breaking me! He has had enough struggles and has overcome so many obsticals in his 4 yes. He was born w a rare genetic disease that affects his liver. His liver cannot process sugar therefore he can’t have any in his diet- if he does it will store in there and eventually cause liver failure. This disease causes extremely low bloodsugars ever few hours and he takes his medicine ( 40 grams of uncooked cornstarch w water 7 times a day 24 hrs) the cs keeps his sugar stable. Anyway.. We almost lost him to the disease at 6 months and he has been hospitalized over 14 times in 4 years. He has a feeding tube which we give him his mess through. I initially thought he was getting made fun of or something bc of his tube and that’s why he was saying these things about himself. But the tube doesn’t seem to phase him at all- and from what he says nobody talks about it. Two weeks ago he accidentally scratched his sister then I had to spend the next hour next to him because he had convinced himself that he needed to hurt himself. All of these changes have come on so suddenly. I have always over praised him I think- I love him more than anything and I feel guilty that I gave him this rare genetic disease. So there is no lack of love for this child. We talk about his negative actions and talk about why he feels the way he does. He has always been the happiest child ever- always dancing and singing. And now he just seems so somber. Things don’t excite him as they used to and he seems tobe overcome with worries and fears and is convinced that the things he thinks/fears are truth. I just feel lost! Some of the things he says surprise me so much and catch me off guard that I often don’t know how to respond. I feel like a complete failure of a mother. I am working on getting him into counseling but I wish I knew better how to help him!
Thank you for your article! I will def try your tips!
Hi Victoria,
What a moving story—your profound love and your child’s struggle; your guilt (unfair to yourself, but we parents can all related) and his beauty; his guilt and fear that things are his fault… I can only imagine that everyone who knows you guys are simply rooting for everyone to be healthy and have the best lives possible filled with as much love as possible.
One other “tip” might be that anxiety can be linked to repressed anger. Your boy is developing enough to realize that he faces a struggle that others do not, and this is “unfair” and kids care a lot about fairness and so he has a right to feel angry.
He doesn’t have to be angry at you (you blame yourself for his genetic condition, but that is not constructive), maybe he is modeling this and trying to make you feel better by blaming himself, just as you have taught him, out of the deepest love, to do by “taking the blame.”
Maybe if he gets understood in his anger and that it’s totally okay to feel angry he will find himself hating on himself a little less?
Could be worth a try, but mostly just sending you and your family…
All Best & Healing Wishes
I found this website after a long …well last few months…
My son is 5 years old and just started Kindergarten this year. He was a young boy to be starting (he was four when we put him in) but he had been in Montessori for years so we felt he was ready for public school. He has been doing very well academically but having a tough time with behavior control (making good choices). He has been saying “I am an idiot” for awhile now, and lately it has been changing to “I am stupid” and today he said “I hate myself”. When he says these things it’s usually when he has had a bad day or when he is in a bad mood. I have tried responding in a variety of ways. I have tried saying “tell me more about that” “I’m sorry you feel that way…..why do you feel that way?” I have tried ignoring it because it just keeps happening. It makes me so upset/emotional and that may be why he does it but I can’t ignore it. I have told him how smart and great he is and how much I love him, to the point that he is sick of hearing it. I don’t know what he wants to hear from me, or why he is saying this to me.
Hi Johnie,
I’m sorry you and your boy are struggling. My two cents might be to start with a more empathic reflecting: “It’s just awful when we feel that way.” This is different than you being sorry that he’s in pain, it is you containing, feeling and reflecting a watered down mirror reflection of the amount of that pain your child can swallow (a baby-spoon’s worth).
If this works, then he will slowly start to open up and tell you more about why, when, how and where the bad feelings get triggered.
If this doesn’t do the trick, and you want to give it a week or so and you want to watch for non-verbal communication (more affection, more eye contact, the release of tears, etc.) as signs you are on a more connected and helpful path, then you might consider a few suspects…
Unresolved trauma in you or other caregivers who believe they have dealt with pain, loss, betrayal, etc. but might not have done so adequately. This can correlate with break-down pockets in children, particularly around social relating, attachment and loss. (for more on this see: http://privilegeofparenting.com/2010/12/15/attachment-in-the-lab-implications-on-the-couch-and-in-the-brain/)
Possible anxiety issues which can relate to circular and non-rational thoughts that do not yield to logic which may also overlap with high sensitivity. Start with: http://privilegeofparenting.com/2012/03/28/calling-some-quiet-shy-and-highly-sensitive-humans/
Finally, I hate to hawk my own merch here, but I did work for seven years on my book, which is a comprehensive guide to understanding this sort of issue and others which might arise along the way:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=bruce+dolin+privilege+of+parenting&x=0&y=0
See what you find and feel free to send another comment to let me, and other readers who may stumble across your and my words, know what worked, what didn’t and where we might go from there.
Learning is about trying things and adjusting based on our results. Your love is obvious and it will overcome your child’s self-doubt and self-negation over time.
All Best
My parents are good people, but my Father was paranoid and bi-polar, and my Mother very quick tempered, so they couldn’t help my self-esteem very much.
Hi Steve,
This is very hard on the children of parents with such struggles, but the heart and mind are resilient so I hope you find what you need to heal and develop good self-esteem in any event.
All Best Wishes